Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Wednesday: What Brings Me Down

On this blog, I've already shared the other D in my life, depression. Quite obviously, that brings me down and adds an entirely new dimension to caring for myself.

I think this post is going to be a long one.

There are issues that diabetes bring to me. I hate diabetes for choosing me. Hate it. I hate that my parents had to deal with so much extra garbage while I was growing up. The amount of extra caring I required could not have been easy. There were times when I needed my BG checked every 2 hours, and my mom and dad would get up through the night to check my BG without waking me up. Certainly I have an extra amount of respect for my parents, but I wish they didn't have to have that extra layer of worry. Being a parent is hard enough without constantly worrying about what your child's blood sugar is doing. It brings me down thinking about this.

It brings me down whenever I think about all the things I can't do. With my medical fragility, my options are somewhat limited. I know, I know, anything is possible with diabetes... but it isn't. I'll never be able to take a summer and live out of a van with my friends. I'll never get to go on that dig in Africa. There are so many physical adventures I'll never get to go on. Yes, there are ways to get out and see the world, but there is so much extra planning and considering and hoping that sometimes I wonder if a "fun" trip will really be worth it.

Sometimes I'll be watching a movie or a TV show and I'll have some of those negative diabetes thoughts. Oh, that girl was just kidnapped? I hope she has enough insulin in her-- oh, right. Those people are running through the jungle? I'd get my pump wrapped around a tree or have a low BG. Sometimes it gets to me that diabetes isn't the norm for everyone else. Periodically I'll see people eating on TV without checking their BG first and it hits me again that I have another layer of crap to worry about all the time.

It bums me out when I think about my future. My employment will be dictated by my need to be paid enough to cover my medications. Diabetes isn't cheap. Will my future include complications from diabetes? Will I be just like everyone's grandma, blind and limbless? Will my efforts at management be in vain?

The overarching theme that really depresses me is thinking about how different I am, and how diabetes just isn't normal for everyone. My pump broke a few months ago, and it happened on the weekend, naturally. I had to go back on shots for a few days for the first time since 2002. I was expressing my thanks for having such great technology to someone I know, and she pointed out how not normal it is. I was saying how much I take my technology for granted, how I love my pump because it does so many calculations for me and makes my life a smidge easier. She turned around and said it's weird to her that I'm excited and thankful for something I need to live well, how weird it is that I get as excited for new diabetes technology as most people get about new cell phones.

There is absolutely zero chance I will ever get to be a super villain. Zero. I wouldn't survive the plots of most action movies, especially if there are zombies around. I'm sure vampires would be more tempted by my sweet blood than the regular blood of others.

How do I pull myself out of a diabetes slump? It's not easy. I give myself some time to wallow in it, because I need it. There's a whole part of my body that's just... stupid. Few people really understand how it feels, so I turn to the internet. Really, all my diabetic friends live in my computer. Stop number one on my road to happy is the internet, naturally. I have an entire Twitter dedicated to diabetes (@Pancreassassin, if you're not aware). I share my frustrations and try to tell some jokes. When I'm feeling down, it's hard to tell so many jokes, but I try. Step number two in regaining my happiness is to listen to the Spice Girls. Never Give Up on the Good Times, really. Step three is to get some exercise in. When I got my A1C result of 8.3, I pounded it out on the treadmill. I was gasping and growling... Eight...point....three...gahhhh...eight...point...three...!

Beyond that, I don't have any advice on how to deal with feeling down about diabetes. I look forward to seeing what others have to say on this topic today!

This wasn't as long as I thought it would be.


  1. Step 1, Wallow. Step 2, Spice Girls. Step 3, exercise. PERFECT! :) Loved your post!

  2. I often have the same kidnapping thoughts - I wonder how long before I would die. And I'm with you on the wallow - sometimes that is what it takes to get me ready to stand up and start fighting again.