Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Back to MDI

I love my insulin pump. I love the control it gives me. I love the freedom from the many pokes I'd otherwise have to endure daily. I took a break from my pump a little over a year ago and had mixed feelings about it. And here I am, about to embark on another pump hiatus.

Why? If I'm singing the praises of my pump, then why, why am I giving it up? Well part of me needs another break from being tethered all the time. The other part is really not up to me.

Ever since my suicide attempt last year, I've had a slew of professionals (and my mother) telling me I needed to give up my pump. They consider it to be dangerous and potentially triggering. It's dangerous to have several hundred units of insulin attached to my body, just waiting to be used against me. It's triggering because it's a constant reminder not only of my diabetes, but of how I have lethal means if my mood dipped that low again.

Do I agree with the plan to get me back on pens and away from my pump? Not entirely. When I tried to kill myself with insulin I used a syringe to inject 100 units of Novolog. The max dose for an insulin pen is 60 units. I already know that 100 units isn't going to kill me. I'm going to need multiple injections, so why does it matter if it's 60 or 100 units? I can still get the job done with an insulin pen. Another thing: diabetes doesn't go away just because I don't have to look at my pump! I think about diabetes all the time. It doesn't matter if I'm on a pump or MDI.

I have an endocrinology appointment on Tuesday. My endo is generally of the opinion that a pump is best for me, so we will see how things go this time around.

Given how low my moods have been recently, I'm willing to accept any help I can get. I appreciate the thought that switching to MDI might help.

What do you think? How would you keep a suicidal diabetic safe from themselves and their insulin? 


  1. Having been in a similar situation (I never tried it), I can say that the thing about insulin is that it is not dissimilar to any medication. Take enough aspirin (who knows how much) could also be disastrous.

    Does a pump promote such thoughts? I know it does not for me, I hate being low. In addition, it is important to remember that being or going low is not really the issue. There are several factors that figure into a fatal low. Things like the rapid lowering, fat in and on the body and heat all play some part in the calculus. Yes death by lows do happen and yes aside from my wife being home I might not be writing this today. But accomplishing this on purpose? I sense it woudl be very hard to do then ignore going low.

    Therapy, anger management, work on acceptance and getting out of the bubble that can devour us seems to be in order. These things helped me a great deal. I hope you can find the same peace I have uncovered by working so hard on it.

  2. I understand their concern for you, but you're always going to need insulin and pump, syringe, or pen, it's just always going to be available to you and around. I agree that therapy is your best option. Also, trying to get as much info into natural ways to help with depression and anxiety. Meditation and yoga. Living with Type 1 Diabetes is difficult and tiring. So you do need all the help you can get. I have OCD, depression, anxiety, and type 1 for 20 years now. These things do help. I also recommend the book, The Mood Cure as well as connecting with other diabetics on youtube, instagram, facebook, tudiabetes. It helps!